Useless Legislation and Moronic Government Intervention

This simply disgusts me. With the shit hitting the proverbial fan all around us, the House thinks it’s important to focus on College Football playoffs. Really? Get your heads out of your asses people, wake up! The country is falling apart, the dollar is being devalued at a rate not seen before, we are in the midst of fighting two wars, and you think it’s important to write laws about what can be considered a national championship? Everyone knows that Obama was whining about the BCS shortly after he was elected, but that doesn’t mean it deserves attention from the government. It’s sports people, it’s not important! Give me a break.

This isn’t the first time these asshats have done something like this either. Remember the whole issues with steroids in baseball? They had senate hearings on that too, what a waste of taxpayer money and resources. No wonder we have a national debt so high that it is unpayable, we waste our money on moronic things like this. You remember who was in charge of the steroid hearings? None other than Joe Biden, our Vice President. You would think that someone so colossally daft would never be elected again, yet I never heard this mentioned once during the elections, and now he is second in line for the Presidency.

What next? Are we going to have Congress start overseeing High School golf matches? Or how about national videogame tournaments? Surely that is deserving of national attention and the wisdom of our lawmakers. I’ve been thinking that we need some legislation regarding Twinkies, I want to see a congressional hearing to determine if they really would survive a nuclear holocaust, to reign supreme with the cockroaches. Surely that study is more deserving of taxpayer money than how the BCS championship is decided.

People who clothe their dogs

This is a trend that absolutely must stop. Did you know that the clothing of animals is the number one abuse of animals in America? Every day, literally hundreds of thousands of animals are stuffed into wool and cotton coffins purchased by their owners in an attempt to make them more fashionable. Don't let these people fool you, they say it's to keep their precious puppy warm, but it's all an effort to further the accessorization (yes, I just made this word up) of pets in America. No longer is dog man's best friend because of his companionship, his ability to hunt and protect us. No, the dog has been reduced to being a fashion accessory.

What, did you think the dog's fur or hair (depending on breed) was just there to make it look better? To give you something to tussle as it sits on your lap or lies next to you in bed? No, you idiots, it's to keep the dogs warm! Through the years, dogs have never had problems in cold weather before they were domesticated and neutered, they survived in the cold and still do, without the need for pink and purple dog sweaters. Have you ever noticed that when a dog is forced into this abomination of cloth, it pants? Dogs cannot sweat to cool themselves down, they pant in order to accomplish this. Have you ever noticed the dog so cutely dressed in a leather dog jacket that has spikes on the back scratching furiously at it? It's because they don't like the damn things! People need to stop this nonsense now, it's cruel to the dog. Honestly, it just makes the owners of them look like complete morons, who should be banished to the island I will someday create for people who listen to country western, enjoy urinals without dividers, and people who dress their dogs.

Urinals

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy peeing while standing as much as the next guy, but there are so many things that can go wrong with the urinal situation that it often makes for more of a hassle than an easy solution. You would think that after so many years with indoor plumbing that we as a human race would have figured out the best system for urinals and stick with it, but alas, that is not the case.

The first thing I hate about urinals is that the owners of the bathroom feel they have to cater to midgets and children, even in places not frequented by these creatures. At the end of every bank of urinals, almost always on the far left end (I don’t know why it’s always on the left, it just is), is a urinal shorter than the rest. Not just a little shorter mind you, but so short that for someone of my stature, the top of the urinal reaches my knees, rendering it completely and utterly useless. A waste of perfectly good porcelain and copper piping.


The second thing I loathe about urinals is the trend towards not putting dividers between them. Really? The last thing I want to do when I go to the bathroom is to be standing next to some guy, without anything but air between us and our respective units while we go about our business. People would never consider putting in full toilets without a divider in between, so why not spend the $3 and put that piece of plastic coated particle board up in between the urinals so we can have some privacy? There’s nothing like having to urinate only to run into a bathroom, seeing all but one urinal open with no dividers between them, and the guys on either side look at you with a disgusting smirk and look like they just walked out of a panel van. That’s just simply unacceptable. Just as you wouldn’t walk up to a bush that was being occupied by another man, these urinals without dividers should simply be banished outright.


Worse than the lack of dividers, is the trough. Normally only seen at sporting arenas, this is truly a terrible experience, each man lining up, brushing shoulders to get a spot in order to relieve themselves.

Other manifestations of this include wall urinals, where the entire wall is a giant urinal, and you just do your business on it and walk away, as if some 3 year old was designing it and decided that the most fun thing a man can do in a day is to piss all over a wall. This leads to another issue, men who simply refuse to use these and instead use the stall, who are seemingly unable to aim and render that stall useless for the rest of the day until it is cleaned. I would take the time to apologize to the few female readers of this blog, but from what I’ve heard and read, women’s bathrooms are no picnic either.

People who are upset about the Tiger Woods affair

Looking at the news today, one wouldn’t know that President Obama announced his plan to increase troop levels in Afghanistan, or that gold has reached an all time high today of $1213 an ounce. The only thing you would see or hear about is Tiger Woods having an affair and trying to cover it up by asking his mistress to change her voicemail. I have seen countless Facebook status updates about this, the worst being “Ok, Tiger Woods proves it's impossible for a married man to stay faithful." Really? One man cheating on his wife means that all men are cheaters? Give me a break.

Let’s look at this situation rationally. Yes, Tiger Woods makes tons of money. Yes, Tiger Woods is a reasonably attractive man. Yes, Tiger Woods is famous. Naturally, all those things put together means the guy can pretty much sleep with whoever he wants just by winking at a girl. I know he’s married, and I agree, cheating is a horrible thing to do, only sleazebags do it, but let’s get one thing straight. This is not national news. This is not even sports news. This is “who gives a shit” news. Honestly, does this really affect anyone besides Tiger and his wife? Maybe his mistress, but she knew what she was getting into, and she got something like $150,000 to sell her story and his voicemail, that is just simply ridiculous. Now, if Tiger had raped that girl, say some basketball player whose name rhymes with Bobe Kryant, that would be a big story. That is a criminal offense. However, adultery is not.

Men are fallible creatures, so are women. You never hear it on national news when a female star cheats on her significant other, only when it is the man who has done wrong. Are we not supposed to feel bad for the men who have been cheated on by their spouses? Apparently not. I don’t even see why we are trying to hold Tiger Woods to some higher standard, the man isn’t even human. He won the U.S. Open with missing ligaments in his knee and 2 fractures in his tibia… the guy is more Terminator than man. So, can we please stop moaning and bitching about Tiger cheating on his wife? It’s not important, don’t make it so by talking about it until you go blue in the face. Because then not only do you sound like an idiot, you look like one too.

Unnecessary Medicines

While watching television the other day, I noticed that the majority of commercials I was being subjected to were mainly ones promoting new medications. What struck me as ridiculous was that these were pharmaceutical remedies that have been developed for things that aren't medically relevant. Take this ad for example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWoVT2cGoN0

This is Brooke Shields promoting a new "medication" that will make you grow longer, thicker, fuller and darker eyelashes. What is the point of this? Why did some doctor or scientist who could have been working on the cure for cancer develop such an utterly useless drug? I don't get out much, and I don't pay attention to much US news, but is there a disappearing eyelash epidemic going on that I didn't hear about? Is this something that really concerns the population of this country so much that someone dedicated years of their life to figure out an answer for? I didn't think so.


The other thing that really disturbs me are all these medications for social disorders. Ritalin, Adderall, Paxil, Prozac, Enzyte, Viagra, the list goes on and on. Your kid can't pay attention in class? He's either too smart for the class, too dumb for the class, or you need to quit shoveling mountain dew and doritos down his throat. You have social anxiety disorder? So you're shy around people? Drink a glass of whiskey before you go out, you don't need a drug to make you normal. You can't get an erection? Well, that's your body's way of telling you that you're either too old to have sex, the person you're trying to have sex with isn't attractive at all, or you drank too much whiskey to cure your social anxiety disorder. It's all ridiculous, everyone needs to be on a regimen of pills regulating our hormones, brain activity levels, how often we urinate even. Scientists have even come up with drugs to cure Restless Leg Syndrome... but yet we don't have a cure for herpes. Someone needs to give a bunch of these medical scientists a nice big cocktail of VD and let's see how long it takes them to come up with some cures, I think we'd all be surprised with the results.

People who type in ALL CAPS

There is nothing that irks me more at work than when I receive an e-mail or a helpdesk ticket that is written in all capital letters. Something about it just makes me die a little bit more inside every time I receive one. It makes me want to do this:



Here's the deal. It's not because it's considered shouting, although that is annoying, but that's not what really makes me want to destroy something. It's the fact that the person sending me this ugly mess of large letters is too damn lazy to press a button and turn it off. One button. That's all it takes. Is it really that hard to press the shift key at the beginning of every sentence? I suppose it is if you don't know how to type properly, but that again is just another reason to despise these people, because they refuse to better themselves even though it's something people learn how to do in Kindergarten. The only reason to type something in all caps is if you have just witnessed something amazing and/or horrifying, like a group of ten year old cannibals feasting upon the flesh of a recently deceased clown. I have begun to ignore any and all e-mails and requests that are in all caps, because if people are that lazy/ignorant/stupid they are not deserving of my precious time, but rather my unbridled hatred.

Freeways and the people on them

In my opinion there is nothing more frustrating that being stuck behind a line of cars stretched across all five lanes of the freeway going 60 MPH at 9 o'clock at night. It might be acceptable if the freeway was going up a very steep hill and the cars were all old beaters, but when it's southern California and the majority of the cars are BMWs and Range Rovers there is absolutely no reason for this type of behavior. If you or your car are incapable of travelling 65 MPH or more, you should not be allowed to drive. Period. These people usually fall into one of these categories: young teenage females, people over 60, anyone on their cell phone, Asians, and cops. Cops seem to love going 60 MPH on the freeway, almost daring people to pass them. Not only is it a nuisance, but it creates a dangerous situation for other drivers on the road. These leisurely drivers end up creating the most feared driver on the road, the Douche Driver.

The Douche Driver is the person who weaves across all 5 lanes of traffic at 88 MPH trying not only to pass by the line of slow cars on the shoulder of the freeway, it is also apparent that he is attempting to have his car take flight, because that wing on the trunk is so damn high it's not helping him keep on the ground, it'll take him airborne. This is the person who will crash into you and yell at you for being in his way, the person who makes you mutter "where are the cops when you need them" (unless of course it is in fact a cop leading the line of slow drivers, in which case you point and laugh at the Douche as he gets pulled over). And yes, the Douche Driver is 99% of the time a male between the ages of 16 and 30. I have yet to encounter a female Douche Driver, but if you happen to see one, get her number for me, will you?


So you ask, what is my proposed solution? We change the speed limits, make a minimum speed of 65 MPH when there is no traffic, and make it so each lane is faster than the one to the right of it. For example, Lane 5 (the furthest right lane) has a speed limit of 65, Lane 4's is 70, Lane 3's is 75 and so on and so forth. Not only would this ease congestion, it would also allow people to travel at faster, sometimes unsafe speeds in a confined area, promoting Natural Selection, of which I am a big fan. The less people on the road, the faster I can drive.

Frozen Yogurt

This latest craze is one I truly do not understand, and have slowly begun to hate. Whereas the cupcake craze made sense, that the Korean BBQ truck scene makes sense, the sudden and rapid explosion of so called froyo places has seemingly come out of nowhere, and shows no signs of letting up. At first glance, you may think to yourself that this is a cool idea, everyone liked frozen yogurt as a kid right? Well, that's because you were a kid, without a refined palate. In reality, frozen yogurt isn't that great. The only thing that makes this dessert slightly tolerable is the plethora of toppings you can put on top of your flavorless frozen dessert.

The other main issue with the froyo store is the selection of flavors of yogurt. The place that I am told is the best is 21 Choices, yet when you walk in, there are nowhere near 21 choices of the frozen delicacy for you to enjoy. In fact, there are only six. And they're always changing. You may go in on a Tuesday and have six flavors that you want to eat, and then when you go back the next day to try one of the other five you didn't get, they changed the menu, and none of the flavors look good to you. Don't like it? Too bad, go to the other frozen yogurt place next door.


This brings me to my last point, and that is the sheer number of these places that have cropped up all over southern California. Every strip mall seems to have a Pink Berry or a 21 Choices or a Yogurt Land, taking up valuable real estate that could be used by something useful, like a liquor store or a lazertag arena. I can see one per town, but not one per square block. That's just a waste of space. My only hope is that all these places will end up cannibalizing one another until only one is left standing, and then the recession eats that one up. Crying college students be damned, I'm done with this whole frozen yogurt craze. If you want me, I'll be at Cold Stone, eating a GOOD frozen dessert.

Family Style Dining

Ah yes, family style dining. Typically seen in Chinese and Italian restaurants, this method of dining out causes me and many others extraordinary amounts of grief and agony. You see, the point of going out to a restaurant is twofold, the first being to enjoy an evening with friends or family, but the second, and I think most important aspect of the restaurant experience, is everyone ordering and consuming EXACTLY the food that they want to eat. No compromising, it's your decision and yours alone as to what you dine on, and with family style dining that aspect of the dining out experience is completely destroyed.



As you can see in that image above, the son on the left is being forced to eat vegetables against his will, the mother has a look comprised mostly of scorn and disdain because she did not want to order the fried chicken, and the daughter is looking longingly at the mashed potatoes because that is the only thing on the table that she likes to eat.

Let me offer up this typical scenario. Six people go out to an Italian restaurant to eat, and immediately everyone starts combing through the menu deciding what tickles their fancy at that given moment. Some people immediately reach a conclusion as to what they desire to eat, while others agonize over their impossible decision. It is this latter person who will always suggest the family style dining route. What always ends up happening is this, there will be one main decision maker, let's call him the leader. The leader decides what would be best for the table, how many main dishes to order, the appropriate sides to accompany said main dishes, and then he or she will usually offer up some completely off base opinion as to what these items should be. Three or four of the others at the table are the weaklings, the ones without backbone, who will simply follow the leaders wishes because they either don't want to or simply cannot rock the boat. So we are left with the one lone person, the dissenter, who doesn't agree with the leader and has no desire to dine in a family style manner.

The leader has two options here, either to acquiesce to the dissenter, let him or her order their own meal, while everyone else shares the preselected dishes. Usually this person is on the receiving end of dirty looks for the entire meal. The other option the leader has, which is the route they usually take, is to suggest that, fine, we will also order the dissenter's choice dish in addition to the preselected dishes, and the dissenter will be forced to share. This puts the dissenter on the defensive, in an unwinnable situation. You cannot say no to the leader's offer to add your dish to the rest, it would simply make you look like an ass, but what inevitably happens is that the special gnocchi that you ordered gets devoured by the rest of the table, leaving you with a small pittance of the amount you originally desired, forcing you to partake in the other, less satisfying dishes. I always find myself in the position of the dissenter, being both a picky eater and someone who does not like to share. The other dilemma you face as a dissenter is this: do you simply take more than your fair share of the dishes you actually want to eat, leaving not enough for the rest while simply ignoring the dish you don't like? Then you run the risk of being the "hog" at the table, the one who takes advantage of the family style dining scenario by eating twice as much food as anyone else. In the end, you don't get the food you want and leave hungry, or you do get the food you want, and have earned the scorn and disrespect of those dining with you. Either way, you lose, and that is why family style dining is well deserving of unbridled hatred.

The Toyota Prius

Today’s hate rant will center around the Toyota Prius (pronounced pry-us for added disdain). It is quite simply one of the ugliest cars you can purchase, right up there with the Scion xB and the dreadful Nissan Cube. There is not a single angle from which you can look at the car and have it look aesthetically pleasing. The car is so downright revolting that I’m surprised it doesn’t come with a bucket for you to keep in your garage next to your Prius for the inevitable vomit that will be expelled from your body after being forced to look at it for more than 3 seconds.



Sorry for that NSFW image, but it had to be done. There are many schools of thought on why the Prius looks the way it does. Some say that the design is extremely aerodynamic to improve fuel economy, but many believe, as do I, that the people who drive this car want to shout to the heavens that they are saving the earth. Since the motor is silent under 5 MPH when it runs on electric, and when it runs on fuel it sounds like a wind up toy, they figured the best way to let people know about their self-righteousness was to make it uglier than Sarah Jessica Parker, quite an astonishing feat if you ask me.



And this brings us to our main point, the drivers of the Prius, the self-righteous so-called saviors of the planet, who drive around glaring at people who own Land Rovers and cars with big V8 engines, proclaiming that we are destroying the OZONE layer with our CO2 emissions and wasting what precious little oil still lurks beneath the surface of the planet. What these ignorant buffoons fail to realize is that their precious little “green” cars do much more damage to the environment than any Land Rover will ever do. The nickel in the batteries that power the electric motor is mined in Canada, which is then shipped to Europe where it is refined, then to China where they make it usable in a battery, then to Japan where the nickel is actually placed into the batteries and then into the cars. Once you consider that the batteries must be replaced every seven years or so, you start to get the picture.

So, not only is the car not environmentally friendly and uglier than Sarah Jessica Parker’s face, but if you drive it like a normal person, it’s not even more fuel efficient than a normal vehicle! Top Gear did a test driving the Prius and a BMW M3 around their test track for ten laps, and guess what, the M3 got better gas mileage by almost 2MPG! The bottom line is this, the Prius is ugly, the people who drive them are for the most part complete idiots who think their shit doesn’t stink, and the way that it is made causes more damage to the environment than a Land Rover. That is why my hatred for the Prius remains unbridled.

Self Checkout Stands

We've all seen them, most of us have even tried using one at some point in our lives, and they're all rubbish.



Yes, the dreaded self checkout stand. The allure of a smaller line, not having to deal with the pimply faced bag boy asking you if plastic is okay. But, as with most things in life, these self checkout stands do not live up to their promise. You will inevitably have an item that simply refuses to scan, you have to scroll through twenty pages of items just to weigh your fresh produce, and don't even try to buy beer from one of these things, it's worse than pulling teeth. In my opinion, they only exist to entertain me as I walk through the market, watching people in their later years stare at the screen like it's written in Aramaic, unsure of what to do as the machine is screaming at them to place their item in the bag. At the very least, if stores expect people to use these horrendous machines, at least give us a discount for doing the job of the grocery store employees.

Country Music

I absolutely hate country music, and to be totally honest, it's not because of the music itself. While I find that most country musicians lack any sort of musical talent, most musicians today are completely devoid of musical talent, so that's not it. It's not the lyrics either, because a lot of country songs are about booze and women, two things which I hold very close to my heart.

So what is it about country music that I hate so much? It's the people who like country music, the apologists and the evangelists of this style of music.



These are the people who listen to country music constantly, who proclaim to the heavens that the "artist" must have been writing the song about them, and who for some reason cannot comprehend the fact that someone can't like country music. They will spend hours telling you the reasons that you in fact already like country music, with such nonsensical arguments as "But you love The Eagles, and they're pretty much a country band!" These arguments in fact do not make one want to listen to country music, but rather drives them further away from it, faster than an evangelical Christian drives through West Hollywood at night. These are the people who go to three day country music festivals, spend half of it not listening to the music but rather drinking beer out of the back of a pickup truck and urinating on fences. Who in their right mind would want to associate themselves with this type of behavior? The bottom line is this, if you like country music, that's fine, but don't try and get me to like it too, because my hatred for it is unbridled and my mind will not be changed.

About this blog

Hi, I'm Kyle. There are a lot of things in this world to hate, so I'm going to write about them.