Unnecessary Medicines

While watching television the other day, I noticed that the majority of commercials I was being subjected to were mainly ones promoting new medications. What struck me as ridiculous was that these were pharmaceutical remedies that have been developed for things that aren't medically relevant. Take this ad for example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWoVT2cGoN0

This is Brooke Shields promoting a new "medication" that will make you grow longer, thicker, fuller and darker eyelashes. What is the point of this? Why did some doctor or scientist who could have been working on the cure for cancer develop such an utterly useless drug? I don't get out much, and I don't pay attention to much US news, but is there a disappearing eyelash epidemic going on that I didn't hear about? Is this something that really concerns the population of this country so much that someone dedicated years of their life to figure out an answer for? I didn't think so.


The other thing that really disturbs me are all these medications for social disorders. Ritalin, Adderall, Paxil, Prozac, Enzyte, Viagra, the list goes on and on. Your kid can't pay attention in class? He's either too smart for the class, too dumb for the class, or you need to quit shoveling mountain dew and doritos down his throat. You have social anxiety disorder? So you're shy around people? Drink a glass of whiskey before you go out, you don't need a drug to make you normal. You can't get an erection? Well, that's your body's way of telling you that you're either too old to have sex, the person you're trying to have sex with isn't attractive at all, or you drank too much whiskey to cure your social anxiety disorder. It's all ridiculous, everyone needs to be on a regimen of pills regulating our hormones, brain activity levels, how often we urinate even. Scientists have even come up with drugs to cure Restless Leg Syndrome... but yet we don't have a cure for herpes. Someone needs to give a bunch of these medical scientists a nice big cocktail of VD and let's see how long it takes them to come up with some cures, I think we'd all be surprised with the results.

People who type in ALL CAPS

There is nothing that irks me more at work than when I receive an e-mail or a helpdesk ticket that is written in all capital letters. Something about it just makes me die a little bit more inside every time I receive one. It makes me want to do this:



Here's the deal. It's not because it's considered shouting, although that is annoying, but that's not what really makes me want to destroy something. It's the fact that the person sending me this ugly mess of large letters is too damn lazy to press a button and turn it off. One button. That's all it takes. Is it really that hard to press the shift key at the beginning of every sentence? I suppose it is if you don't know how to type properly, but that again is just another reason to despise these people, because they refuse to better themselves even though it's something people learn how to do in Kindergarten. The only reason to type something in all caps is if you have just witnessed something amazing and/or horrifying, like a group of ten year old cannibals feasting upon the flesh of a recently deceased clown. I have begun to ignore any and all e-mails and requests that are in all caps, because if people are that lazy/ignorant/stupid they are not deserving of my precious time, but rather my unbridled hatred.

Freeways and the people on them

In my opinion there is nothing more frustrating that being stuck behind a line of cars stretched across all five lanes of the freeway going 60 MPH at 9 o'clock at night. It might be acceptable if the freeway was going up a very steep hill and the cars were all old beaters, but when it's southern California and the majority of the cars are BMWs and Range Rovers there is absolutely no reason for this type of behavior. If you or your car are incapable of travelling 65 MPH or more, you should not be allowed to drive. Period. These people usually fall into one of these categories: young teenage females, people over 60, anyone on their cell phone, Asians, and cops. Cops seem to love going 60 MPH on the freeway, almost daring people to pass them. Not only is it a nuisance, but it creates a dangerous situation for other drivers on the road. These leisurely drivers end up creating the most feared driver on the road, the Douche Driver.

The Douche Driver is the person who weaves across all 5 lanes of traffic at 88 MPH trying not only to pass by the line of slow cars on the shoulder of the freeway, it is also apparent that he is attempting to have his car take flight, because that wing on the trunk is so damn high it's not helping him keep on the ground, it'll take him airborne. This is the person who will crash into you and yell at you for being in his way, the person who makes you mutter "where are the cops when you need them" (unless of course it is in fact a cop leading the line of slow drivers, in which case you point and laugh at the Douche as he gets pulled over). And yes, the Douche Driver is 99% of the time a male between the ages of 16 and 30. I have yet to encounter a female Douche Driver, but if you happen to see one, get her number for me, will you?


So you ask, what is my proposed solution? We change the speed limits, make a minimum speed of 65 MPH when there is no traffic, and make it so each lane is faster than the one to the right of it. For example, Lane 5 (the furthest right lane) has a speed limit of 65, Lane 4's is 70, Lane 3's is 75 and so on and so forth. Not only would this ease congestion, it would also allow people to travel at faster, sometimes unsafe speeds in a confined area, promoting Natural Selection, of which I am a big fan. The less people on the road, the faster I can drive.

Frozen Yogurt

This latest craze is one I truly do not understand, and have slowly begun to hate. Whereas the cupcake craze made sense, that the Korean BBQ truck scene makes sense, the sudden and rapid explosion of so called froyo places has seemingly come out of nowhere, and shows no signs of letting up. At first glance, you may think to yourself that this is a cool idea, everyone liked frozen yogurt as a kid right? Well, that's because you were a kid, without a refined palate. In reality, frozen yogurt isn't that great. The only thing that makes this dessert slightly tolerable is the plethora of toppings you can put on top of your flavorless frozen dessert.

The other main issue with the froyo store is the selection of flavors of yogurt. The place that I am told is the best is 21 Choices, yet when you walk in, there are nowhere near 21 choices of the frozen delicacy for you to enjoy. In fact, there are only six. And they're always changing. You may go in on a Tuesday and have six flavors that you want to eat, and then when you go back the next day to try one of the other five you didn't get, they changed the menu, and none of the flavors look good to you. Don't like it? Too bad, go to the other frozen yogurt place next door.


This brings me to my last point, and that is the sheer number of these places that have cropped up all over southern California. Every strip mall seems to have a Pink Berry or a 21 Choices or a Yogurt Land, taking up valuable real estate that could be used by something useful, like a liquor store or a lazertag arena. I can see one per town, but not one per square block. That's just a waste of space. My only hope is that all these places will end up cannibalizing one another until only one is left standing, and then the recession eats that one up. Crying college students be damned, I'm done with this whole frozen yogurt craze. If you want me, I'll be at Cold Stone, eating a GOOD frozen dessert.