They’re everywhere. On cigarettes and alcohol, on toys and pesticides, warning labels are everywhere, instructing the mouth breathers of society not to drink antifreeze or try and swallow a super bounce ball. Today, I read an article about how a group of pediatricians are trying to get warning labels put on food that can be a choking hazard, such as popcorn and hot dogs… are you fucking kidding me? Are people really that dumb that they can’t figure out what they can or cannot feed their children? That it’s maybe a good idea to watch your 23 month old kid while they’re eating to make sure they don’t choke? Someone actually invested money into developing a hot dog that, when cooked, split itself into pieces to reduce choking hazard. I have an idea, how about you stop trying to ram the thing down your gullet in 3 seconds and actually take your time to eat the damn hot dog, then maybe you won’t choke.
Warning labels are the exact opposite of what scientists should want, they are anti-Darwinian. By educating the imbeciles of the world that it’s not a good idea to drink a bottle of Drano if you’re constipated, they effectively allow the morons of the world to keep breeding, eventually leading us into a societal pit that will likely resemble the underrated comedy gem Idiocracy. Warning labels, much like the abolishment of the Gold Standard and the introduction of edible underwear, will lead to the undoing of our society. Remove the warning labels, let the dimwits fall into extinction, and let the rest of us live in peace without having to read labels on our compressed air telling us it’s dangerous to inhale the glorious substance contained within that little metal can.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Button-Fly Jeans
Ok. I see the appeal. They look cool. But wait... they don't, because there is always a flap covering the buttons, so the only person that sees them is you. But there are so many flaws with the button fly that I really am not OK with how many jeans come with button fly. First, you ever try buttoning them up when drunk? It's damn near impossible. Even buttoning them sober sucks. You button the bottom, then the middle, when you button the top up, the bottom one comes undone. Are you kidding me??? That's simply unacceptable. There's a reason the zipper was invented, and that's because buttons are a pain in the ass. Sure, you'll never accidentally button your junk into the pants like one might with a zipper, but have you ever reached down, thinking you're wearing button fly jeans, and tried and unbutton a zipper? No? Well, let me tell you, it hurts. Not a lot, just enough to make me write about how much I hate the button fly.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The return of the hatred
Hello world, it's been a while, but fear not, for my hatred has remained unbridled. Here are just two quick snippets of hatred, one of which is too late to be relevant but it needs to be said:
The Olympics - I'm tired of this shit. Really NBC? You air this crap at primetime, lose money on it, and because the other networks expect people to watch it they air repeats, so I'm stuck watching two year old episodes of Family Guy or watching a bunch of dudes strap on ice skates and prance around for ten minutes; I think I'll take a lead enema first. Don't even get me started on the Hockey thing. The Americans were all excited about possibly beating Canada, and then when you lose the gold all I hear is "wow, you guys won a gold medal in a sport that no one cares about" and I just stare blankly at those mouth breathers and try not to stab them in the neck with a meat thermometer.
The Oscars - I saw on Facebook someone made note of the fact that this was the first time in Oscars history that not a single winner thanked God in their acceptance speech. Are you kidding me? Who gives a damn about that? Do these super right wing Christians really think that God cares about who wins the Oscar? That He has some influence over it? It's people like that who give the rest of us normal Christians a bad name. I would however, support it if an actress thanked God for her amazing rack which she bared in front of the camera for the first time thereby helping her win the award. Or she could thank her plastic surgeon, whichever did more recent work. I am happy though that The Hurt Locker won best picture, and that a movie that really only had 3D special effects going for it didn't win.
More hatred to come, with less of a break this time. I promise.
The Olympics - I'm tired of this shit. Really NBC? You air this crap at primetime, lose money on it, and because the other networks expect people to watch it they air repeats, so I'm stuck watching two year old episodes of Family Guy or watching a bunch of dudes strap on ice skates and prance around for ten minutes; I think I'll take a lead enema first. Don't even get me started on the Hockey thing. The Americans were all excited about possibly beating Canada, and then when you lose the gold all I hear is "wow, you guys won a gold medal in a sport that no one cares about" and I just stare blankly at those mouth breathers and try not to stab them in the neck with a meat thermometer.
The Oscars - I saw on Facebook someone made note of the fact that this was the first time in Oscars history that not a single winner thanked God in their acceptance speech. Are you kidding me? Who gives a damn about that? Do these super right wing Christians really think that God cares about who wins the Oscar? That He has some influence over it? It's people like that who give the rest of us normal Christians a bad name. I would however, support it if an actress thanked God for her amazing rack which she bared in front of the camera for the first time thereby helping her win the award. Or she could thank her plastic surgeon, whichever did more recent work. I am happy though that The Hurt Locker won best picture, and that a movie that really only had 3D special effects going for it didn't win.
More hatred to come, with less of a break this time. I promise.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Useless Legislation and Moronic Government Intervention
This simply disgusts me. With the shit hitting the proverbial fan all around us, the House thinks it’s important to focus on College Football playoffs. Really? Get your heads out of your asses people, wake up! The country is falling apart, the dollar is being devalued at a rate not seen before, we are in the midst of fighting two wars, and you think it’s important to write laws about what can be considered a national championship? Everyone knows that Obama was whining about the BCS shortly after he was elected, but that doesn’t mean it deserves attention from the government. It’s sports people, it’s not important! Give me a break.
This isn’t the first time these asshats have done something like this either. Remember the whole issues with steroids in baseball? They had senate hearings on that too, what a waste of taxpayer money and resources. No wonder we have a national debt so high that it is unpayable, we waste our money on moronic things like this. You remember who was in charge of the steroid hearings? None other than Joe Biden, our Vice President. You would think that someone so colossally daft would never be elected again, yet I never heard this mentioned once during the elections, and now he is second in line for the Presidency.
What next? Are we going to have Congress start overseeing High School golf matches? Or how about national videogame tournaments? Surely that is deserving of national attention and the wisdom of our lawmakers. I’ve been thinking that we need some legislation regarding Twinkies, I want to see a congressional hearing to determine if they really would survive a nuclear holocaust, to reign supreme with the cockroaches. Surely that study is more deserving of taxpayer money than how the BCS championship is decided.
This isn’t the first time these asshats have done something like this either. Remember the whole issues with steroids in baseball? They had senate hearings on that too, what a waste of taxpayer money and resources. No wonder we have a national debt so high that it is unpayable, we waste our money on moronic things like this. You remember who was in charge of the steroid hearings? None other than Joe Biden, our Vice President. You would think that someone so colossally daft would never be elected again, yet I never heard this mentioned once during the elections, and now he is second in line for the Presidency.
What next? Are we going to have Congress start overseeing High School golf matches? Or how about national videogame tournaments? Surely that is deserving of national attention and the wisdom of our lawmakers. I’ve been thinking that we need some legislation regarding Twinkies, I want to see a congressional hearing to determine if they really would survive a nuclear holocaust, to reign supreme with the cockroaches. Surely that study is more deserving of taxpayer money than how the BCS championship is decided.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
People who clothe their dogs
This is a trend that absolutely must stop. Did you know that the clothing of animals is the number one abuse of animals in America? Every day, literally hundreds of thousands of animals are stuffed into wool and cotton coffins purchased by their owners in an attempt to make them more fashionable. Don't let these people fool you, they say it's to keep their precious puppy warm, but it's all an effort to further the accessorization (yes, I just made this word up) of pets in America. No longer is dog man's best friend because of his companionship, his ability to hunt and protect us. No, the dog has been reduced to being a fashion accessory.
What, did you think the dog's fur or hair (depending on breed) was just there to make it look better? To give you something to tussle as it sits on your lap or lies next to you in bed? No, you idiots, it's to keep the dogs warm! Through the years, dogs have never had problems in cold weather before they were domesticated and neutered, they survived in the cold and still do, without the need for pink and purple dog sweaters. Have you ever noticed that when a dog is forced into this abomination of cloth, it pants? Dogs cannot sweat to cool themselves down, they pant in order to accomplish this. Have you ever noticed the dog so cutely dressed in a leather dog jacket that has spikes on the back scratching furiously at it? It's because they don't like the damn things! People need to stop this nonsense now, it's cruel to the dog. Honestly, it just makes the owners of them look like complete morons, who should be banished to the island I will someday create for people who listen to country western, enjoy urinals without dividers, and people who dress their dogs.
What, did you think the dog's fur or hair (depending on breed) was just there to make it look better? To give you something to tussle as it sits on your lap or lies next to you in bed? No, you idiots, it's to keep the dogs warm! Through the years, dogs have never had problems in cold weather before they were domesticated and neutered, they survived in the cold and still do, without the need for pink and purple dog sweaters. Have you ever noticed that when a dog is forced into this abomination of cloth, it pants? Dogs cannot sweat to cool themselves down, they pant in order to accomplish this. Have you ever noticed the dog so cutely dressed in a leather dog jacket that has spikes on the back scratching furiously at it? It's because they don't like the damn things! People need to stop this nonsense now, it's cruel to the dog. Honestly, it just makes the owners of them look like complete morons, who should be banished to the island I will someday create for people who listen to country western, enjoy urinals without dividers, and people who dress their dogs.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Urinals
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy peeing while standing as much as the next guy, but there are so many things that can go wrong with the urinal situation that it often makes for more of a hassle than an easy solution. You would think that after so many years with indoor plumbing that we as a human race would have figured out the best system for urinals and stick with it, but alas, that is not the case.
The first thing I hate about urinals is that the owners of the bathroom feel they have to cater to midgets and children, even in places not frequented by these creatures. At the end of every bank of urinals, almost always on the far left end (I don’t know why it’s always on the left, it just is), is a urinal shorter than the rest. Not just a little shorter mind you, but so short that for someone of my stature, the top of the urinal reaches my knees, rendering it completely and utterly useless. A waste of perfectly good porcelain and copper piping.
The second thing I loathe about urinals is the trend towards not putting dividers between them. Really? The last thing I want to do when I go to the bathroom is to be standing next to some guy, without anything but air between us and our respective units while we go about our business. People would never consider putting in full toilets without a divider in between, so why not spend the $3 and put that piece of plastic coated particle board up in between the urinals so we can have some privacy? There’s nothing like having to urinate only to run into a bathroom, seeing all but one urinal open with no dividers between them, and the guys on either side look at you with a disgusting smirk and look like they just walked out of a panel van. That’s just simply unacceptable. Just as you wouldn’t walk up to a bush that was being occupied by another man, these urinals without dividers should simply be banished outright.
Worse than the lack of dividers, is the trough. Normally only seen at sporting arenas, this is truly a terrible experience, each man lining up, brushing shoulders to get a spot in order to relieve themselves.
Other manifestations of this include wall urinals, where the entire wall is a giant urinal, and you just do your business on it and walk away, as if some 3 year old was designing it and decided that the most fun thing a man can do in a day is to piss all over a wall. This leads to another issue, men who simply refuse to use these and instead use the stall, who are seemingly unable to aim and render that stall useless for the rest of the day until it is cleaned. I would take the time to apologize to the few female readers of this blog, but from what I’ve heard and read, women’s bathrooms are no picnic either.
The first thing I hate about urinals is that the owners of the bathroom feel they have to cater to midgets and children, even in places not frequented by these creatures. At the end of every bank of urinals, almost always on the far left end (I don’t know why it’s always on the left, it just is), is a urinal shorter than the rest. Not just a little shorter mind you, but so short that for someone of my stature, the top of the urinal reaches my knees, rendering it completely and utterly useless. A waste of perfectly good porcelain and copper piping.
The second thing I loathe about urinals is the trend towards not putting dividers between them. Really? The last thing I want to do when I go to the bathroom is to be standing next to some guy, without anything but air between us and our respective units while we go about our business. People would never consider putting in full toilets without a divider in between, so why not spend the $3 and put that piece of plastic coated particle board up in between the urinals so we can have some privacy? There’s nothing like having to urinate only to run into a bathroom, seeing all but one urinal open with no dividers between them, and the guys on either side look at you with a disgusting smirk and look like they just walked out of a panel van. That’s just simply unacceptable. Just as you wouldn’t walk up to a bush that was being occupied by another man, these urinals without dividers should simply be banished outright.
Worse than the lack of dividers, is the trough. Normally only seen at sporting arenas, this is truly a terrible experience, each man lining up, brushing shoulders to get a spot in order to relieve themselves.
Other manifestations of this include wall urinals, where the entire wall is a giant urinal, and you just do your business on it and walk away, as if some 3 year old was designing it and decided that the most fun thing a man can do in a day is to piss all over a wall. This leads to another issue, men who simply refuse to use these and instead use the stall, who are seemingly unable to aim and render that stall useless for the rest of the day until it is cleaned. I would take the time to apologize to the few female readers of this blog, but from what I’ve heard and read, women’s bathrooms are no picnic either.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
People who are upset about the Tiger Woods affair
Looking at the news today, one wouldn’t know that President Obama announced his plan to increase troop levels in Afghanistan, or that gold has reached an all time high today of $1213 an ounce. The only thing you would see or hear about is Tiger Woods having an affair and trying to cover it up by asking his mistress to change her voicemail. I have seen countless Facebook status updates about this, the worst being “Ok, Tiger Woods proves it's impossible for a married man to stay faithful." Really? One man cheating on his wife means that all men are cheaters? Give me a break.
Let’s look at this situation rationally. Yes, Tiger Woods makes tons of money. Yes, Tiger Woods is a reasonably attractive man. Yes, Tiger Woods is famous. Naturally, all those things put together means the guy can pretty much sleep with whoever he wants just by winking at a girl. I know he’s married, and I agree, cheating is a horrible thing to do, only sleazebags do it, but let’s get one thing straight. This is not national news. This is not even sports news. This is “who gives a shit” news. Honestly, does this really affect anyone besides Tiger and his wife? Maybe his mistress, but she knew what she was getting into, and she got something like $150,000 to sell her story and his voicemail, that is just simply ridiculous. Now, if Tiger had raped that girl, say some basketball player whose name rhymes with Bobe Kryant, that would be a big story. That is a criminal offense. However, adultery is not.
Men are fallible creatures, so are women. You never hear it on national news when a female star cheats on her significant other, only when it is the man who has done wrong. Are we not supposed to feel bad for the men who have been cheated on by their spouses? Apparently not. I don’t even see why we are trying to hold Tiger Woods to some higher standard, the man isn’t even human. He won the U.S. Open with missing ligaments in his knee and 2 fractures in his tibia… the guy is more Terminator than man. So, can we please stop moaning and bitching about Tiger cheating on his wife? It’s not important, don’t make it so by talking about it until you go blue in the face. Because then not only do you sound like an idiot, you look like one too.
Let’s look at this situation rationally. Yes, Tiger Woods makes tons of money. Yes, Tiger Woods is a reasonably attractive man. Yes, Tiger Woods is famous. Naturally, all those things put together means the guy can pretty much sleep with whoever he wants just by winking at a girl. I know he’s married, and I agree, cheating is a horrible thing to do, only sleazebags do it, but let’s get one thing straight. This is not national news. This is not even sports news. This is “who gives a shit” news. Honestly, does this really affect anyone besides Tiger and his wife? Maybe his mistress, but she knew what she was getting into, and she got something like $150,000 to sell her story and his voicemail, that is just simply ridiculous. Now, if Tiger had raped that girl, say some basketball player whose name rhymes with Bobe Kryant, that would be a big story. That is a criminal offense. However, adultery is not.
Men are fallible creatures, so are women. You never hear it on national news when a female star cheats on her significant other, only when it is the man who has done wrong. Are we not supposed to feel bad for the men who have been cheated on by their spouses? Apparently not. I don’t even see why we are trying to hold Tiger Woods to some higher standard, the man isn’t even human. He won the U.S. Open with missing ligaments in his knee and 2 fractures in his tibia… the guy is more Terminator than man. So, can we please stop moaning and bitching about Tiger cheating on his wife? It’s not important, don’t make it so by talking about it until you go blue in the face. Because then not only do you sound like an idiot, you look like one too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)