Warning Labels

They’re everywhere. On cigarettes and alcohol, on toys and pesticides, warning labels are everywhere, instructing the mouth breathers of society not to drink antifreeze or try and swallow a super bounce ball. Today, I read an article about how a group of pediatricians are trying to get warning labels put on food that can be a choking hazard, such as popcorn and hot dogs… are you fucking kidding me? Are people really that dumb that they can’t figure out what they can or cannot feed their children? That it’s maybe a good idea to watch your 23 month old kid while they’re eating to make sure they don’t choke? Someone actually invested money into developing a hot dog that, when cooked, split itself into pieces to reduce choking hazard. I have an idea, how about you stop trying to ram the thing down your gullet in 3 seconds and actually take your time to eat the damn hot dog, then maybe you won’t choke.

Warning labels are the exact opposite of what scientists should want, they are anti-Darwinian. By educating the imbeciles of the world that it’s not a good idea to drink a bottle of Drano if you’re constipated, they effectively allow the morons of the world to keep breeding, eventually leading us into a societal pit that will likely resemble the underrated comedy gem Idiocracy. Warning labels, much like the abolishment of the Gold Standard and the introduction of edible underwear, will lead to the undoing of our society. Remove the warning labels, let the dimwits fall into extinction, and let the rest of us live in peace without having to read labels on our compressed air telling us it’s dangerous to inhale the glorious substance contained within that little metal can.

Button-Fly Jeans

Ok. I see the appeal. They look cool. But wait... they don't, because there is always a flap covering the buttons, so the only person that sees them is you. But there are so many flaws with the button fly that I really am not OK with how many jeans come with button fly. First, you ever try buttoning them up when drunk? It's damn near impossible. Even buttoning them sober sucks. You button the bottom, then the middle, when you button the top up, the bottom one comes undone. Are you kidding me??? That's simply unacceptable. There's a reason the zipper was invented, and that's because buttons are a pain in the ass. Sure, you'll never accidentally button your junk into the pants like one might with a zipper, but have you ever reached down, thinking you're wearing button fly jeans, and tried and unbutton a zipper? No? Well, let me tell you, it hurts. Not a lot, just enough to make me write about how much I hate the button fly.

The return of the hatred

Hello world, it's been a while, but fear not, for my hatred has remained unbridled. Here are just two quick snippets of hatred, one of which is too late to be relevant but it needs to be said:



The Olympics - I'm tired of this shit. Really NBC? You air this crap at primetime, lose money on it, and because the other networks expect people to watch it they air repeats, so I'm stuck watching two year old episodes of Family Guy or watching a bunch of dudes strap on ice skates and prance around for ten minutes; I think I'll take a lead enema first. Don't even get me started on the Hockey thing. The Americans were all excited about possibly beating Canada, and then when you lose the gold all I hear is "wow, you guys won a gold medal in a sport that no one cares about" and I just stare blankly at those mouth breathers and try not to stab them in the neck with a meat thermometer.


The Oscars - I saw on Facebook someone made note of the fact that this was the first time in Oscars history that not a single winner thanked God in their acceptance speech. Are you kidding me? Who gives a damn about that? Do these super right wing Christians really think that God cares about who wins the Oscar? That He has some influence over it? It's people like that who give the rest of us normal Christians a bad name. I would however, support it if an actress thanked God for her amazing rack which she bared in front of the camera for the first time thereby helping her win the award. Or she could thank her plastic surgeon, whichever did more recent work. I am happy though that The Hurt Locker won best picture, and that a movie that really only had 3D special effects going for it didn't win.

More hatred to come, with less of a break this time. I promise.